WHITE DEAD NETTLE | PART TWO - HOLISTIC
LETTING GO
Here are a few basic facts:
Plant family - lamiaceae aka mint family
Botanical name - lamium album
Best time to plant/sow - December/January...hint: gather the seeds from herb to save for sowing
Best time to pick - March - December with April and May being the peak time it flowers
Welcome to this blog post and Mama Luna in general!
Before reading on, here are some trigger warnings for topics mentioned in this post:
domestic violence
intimate partner violence and coercion
victim-blaming
sex/slut shaming
justice system...or lack of!
I'd strongly advise you practise grounding exercises such as deep breathing, gentle stretching and movement if it gets too much whilst reading. You can also take short breaks or read in small sections. How about reading at home with low lighting, chill music and a scented candle/diffuser/incense?
Please remember, this is a platform for trauma transformation: let the journey commence!
White dead nettle is associated with arch-angels Gabriel and Michael: cutting energetic cords and bringing new life. It's the former that we'll be delving into.
Back in 2014 when I as fresh from being attacked from the older man - an entitled, definitely narcissistic incel who groomed and coerced me - I was in such a dark place. Beyond that even: I felt like I was in a dead zone due to the impact of the trauma the attack left me with.
I decided to report it to the police and take it to court because I so badly wanted justice; I was desperate for it. I thought the justice system would recognise and validate my pain. Not only that, but coming from a childhood full of violence, reaching out and not getting the much needed help from anyone or anywhere, I really wanted this to be it. To be seen, heard and for someone who's harmed me to suffer the consequences for once.
Well...
I got the exact opposite. The court case came and went. The guy got a slap on the wrist and ordered to do an anger management course. Because he plead guilty to the charges and agreedwith everything in my statement, I didn't need to go to court. Given my condition, of course I chose not to go. However, this meant he got to have his say and wow, did he say a lot - but we'll get to that in a moment. Let's talk about a aprticular thing that perpetuates harm towards women: the...
"Justice" system
First of all, we all know that domestic and intimate partner violence affects more women than men. The laws that determine and define what harms women are - still to this day - decided by men. We also see this reflected in society as well by so many men who see the things that harm us, they just don't see it as a problem, make sense?
There are still women in government who are lobbying for this to be changed; for the laws to be written by us and reflect our real-life experiences thus resulting in higher conviction rates.
So back to the court case
The man justified his almost two years of manipulation, threats, coercion and abuse towards me by saying we were in a relationship. We were not. I made this clear many times yet his desires and entitlement came ahead of my own human right to free will and safety. He - in court and during the attack - accused me of "cheating" on him with countless men. Again, I didn't and we weren't together but he was jealous of any other man I interacted with. Would you believe that he said the very scary and common phrase "If I can't have you, no-one will" and got away with it? Again, this was in my statement which was acknowledged by the police and judge!
Society on all levels cannot bear the thought let alone reality of a woman who:
likes being single and doesn't make men the centre of her universe
has sexual automony and agency especially when it doesn't lead to a hetero-normative marriage and children where she gives up her agency and engages in a gender-based power dynamic
Burn the witch because for these two sins, we must be punished; the courts ultimately sided with him.
When he was released from the courts it really did feel like there was a witch-hunt because he bragged about the attack on social media. That was bad enough, but then there were people welcoming him back, slut-shaming me saying "what did she expect if she's gonna act like a ho?". Yeah. Oh and let's not forget all the men I'd apparently slept with reaching out to also blame me.
It all became too much. I went from living in a dead zone to spiralling further in feeling even more alone and desprate.
Enter Yoni steaming....and breeeeeathe
At this point I'd done two or three Yoni steams which offered some relief , so I got to it again. Honestly, if you take anything away from this blog post, please let it be that you don't have to suffer and hold all your pain in - Yoni steaming is an empowering, gentle and accessible form of relief.
So, since I felt alone, there wasnt much for me to let go of or distance myself from in terms of people at least. During my Yoni steam, something clicked: I had to let go of EVERYTHING I thought I knew and what I was conditioned to think. Another aspect to this was accepting that people who loved me and called me part of their community had also caused such terrible harm to myself and others. That was really hard but I had to take an honest look and see the wood for the trees; if I didn't accept this truth, I'd be putting myself in emotional, mental and physical harms way.
Yoni steaming, white dead nettle and my intention of finding out "why do i keep getting abused" helped me with clarity. Here's what came up for me to let go of:
Thinking it was my fault - I was tuaght from a young age that if I experience harm, it's my fault
Love = violence. It doesn't, never has or will. Again, I was taught via "discipline" that this is love. The phrase "I'm only doing this because I love you" was said a lot when I was young right before being abused and would carry out into adulthood
I had to let go of the mainly Black, hotep and oetry community I was in. It was just as misogynistic as the Christian community I was forced into when I was young
That all womem support women. We don't all have the same standards and values which is fine but due to patriarchy, some cape fpr and centre men. Speaking of...
Decentering men and no longer being a pick-me. I'd already started on this particular part of my journey years earlier when i stepped away from Christianity; I'd never believed in it anywau so it wasn't hard. However, I still had some deeply ingrained conditioning around male attention and validation. I thought that because I was clear on not wanting marriage or motherhood, I couldn't possibly be a pick-me, yet it showed up in how I acted around men who I didn't even want, yuck!!!
Struggle love. If you haven't taken a break or done some grounding already, do so now because it's not about to get any better...yet! Struggle love is the idea that a woman - mainly Black - has to go through hardship after hardship to prove her worthiness of love, respect or even general human decency. I know, right?! It can take the form of "long, suffering wife", "warrior woman of god", "strong, Black woman". What other examples can you think of? Share in the comment section below. Yet, I saw this growing up and when combined with "love = violence" + "it's your fault" + the "women = less-than" narrative, it created a monster called internalised misogyny.
That there's justice in the system. Honestly, I knew there wasn't, I was just in a dark and desperate place.
That my body belongs to anyone other than me and periods are a shameful thing. I BELONG TO ME AND ME ALONE, PERIODT 🩸
This was a really powerful piece of inner work that I did and saw that in all of those instances, I was being groomed, bullied and abused into being compliant. I was okay as long and I didn't step out of line, upset the patriarchal and hierarchal order. Basically, being my authentic self and advocating for others to be as well would've brought harm my way along with the threat of social isolation. Still, I decided to say
FUCK THAT SHIT!
And it's one of the best things I've ever done! All that time and energy I poured into living so disconnected, I put back into myself with the desire and intention to reclaim my life.
I blocked people, certain family and friends who victim-blamed, sex/slut-shamed me, got a much needed restraining order - oh yeah, courts are automatically meant to give victims of DV/IPV one but guess they forgot mine - and held my high because I stood in my truth. If anyone questioned me about the whole ordeal, I'd simply tell them to mind their business and kept it moving. Though I felt alone, I did have a handful of people who had my back and I'll forever be grateful. Thought it's been ten years, I still catch myself - especically in fits of rage! - thinking:
WHAT IS JUSTICE?
There probably isn't a definitve answer that will satisfy and speak to the injustices us women face, however, I can say for myself that for the most part it's having enough self-love to
REDISCOVER, RECONNECT TO AND RECLAIM MY AUTHENTIC SELF ❤️
What is it it for you? Share in the comments below and share this post - you never know what inspiration or courage may be drawn from this!
If trauma recovery and healing is something that resonates with you, consider allowing me to suport you on your journey. Take the first steps here:
PRODUCTS THIS HERB IS IN
Well, that was one heck of a read that I hope gave you insight to my journey and maybe even some inspiration. Do you think you'll forage it if you see it? If so, careful of the bee and leave some for them too! Do you have any energetic cords you need to cut? If so - and you care to share - comment below and get use either of the services above to get going on your journey.
Last but not least, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this post so comment below and please share.
Queen, it's time to reclaim your throne
